Faraway32

I woke up today to see several SMS messages from my mom and dad that Muffin had passed away the day after my birthday.

I broke down crying.  She has been suffering from what the doctor called Kennel cough from the last week.  My older sister didn’t want her stressed so my parents had to take her to the vet and set up dextrose at home so she could be comfortable.  My mom had said she was doing very well and had a hefty appetite on my birthday.  However, the vet wasn’t optimistic.  In human years, they calculated that Muffin was about 102 years old.  In dog years she was 2 months short of 10 years…

Frisky has just died from a rat bite 11 days prior.  Muffin died in her sleep in Nympha’s arms… I am over here in another country and I hadn’t even been able to say goodbye to my dogs…

I wanted to come home on March to see all 3… and now I’ll only see one… my beautiful Bessie who may be wondering right now why she’s all alone, and she doesn’t see her seniors…

My family decided to have both dogs cremated, but my mom says that they could still smell Muffin around, thinking that she couldn’t be at peace.  I know I have to let go, just as I’m starting to learn to accept Frisky’s fate.  I suppose the blow isn’t as much harsh because my family has decided to wait 2 days before telling me. 

But still, I had wanted to hug Muffin and Frisky for the last time because I hadn’t been able to the moment I left.  One of the reason why I wanted to chat via webcam was to see the dogs again but for some reason, since I got here, it never happened.  Now I only have a few videos and pictures to immortalize them.  Muffin’s been my baby for nearly 10 years and Frisky for 6.  They’ll always be in my heart.

I am grieving and my heart is broken.  I have lost two precious family members this month.  It’s just ironic that I have just celebrated a birthday when two passings have occured in between.  Life really does have its funny overtures sometimes and there’s nothing you can do but to take the ride.  I’ll always have my pets in my mind.  I’ll never ever forget them…

I love you, Muffin and Frisky.  I hope you’re happy in heaven, because now you’re truly home.  Thank you for being beautiful parts of my life.

Here I am… living independently in another country, sharing a flat with friends and thriving at work… I had only dreamed of this a year ago, and now I’m living it.  I’ve finished a novel, good, right?  A very good friend has turned up after years of no communication, good, right?  I have earned and saved some money in my name, I have learned to
wash clothes and cooked somewhat, I’m buying my own things, I’m going out at night, I got a new haircut…

Good, right?

And I emailed him.

Good, right? 

I touched something I shouldn’t have and I opened a door that I’ve chosen not to tamper with for years.  My sister helped me, only… I think I feel crushed.

Sometimes I feel a deep ache inside me.  Not longing, but pain.  A part of me really wished I could’ve held on to the dream, possibly my greatest dream but I went for it… and now I’m catapulting back to earth, when a week ago I was soaring up the sky.

I thought if I take the steps, I’ll somehow be closer.  But now I couldn’t be farther away.

Maybe I hoped for too much?

But then again, that was my fault, not his.  I still think he’s sweet enough to have remembered, but that’s all he could offer now.  I realize that I had waited too long, and now… I don’t know where to begin to pick up the pieces.

My good friends have said I’m pretty and smart, and with a lot to offer.  A guy should be lucky to be with me.

The sad thing about this, as another birthday slowly approaches, much as my feet and my mind have to move forward, my heart keeps taking a glance back over my shoulder to a past where I wanted to loop into the future I’m heading for.

My mind has somehow warped itself into thinking that despite everything I’ve had to give up and what I’ve had to achieve, that he could have been the light at the end of the tunnel.

But there’s this awakening I couldn’t ignore anymore, that I couldn’t see anyone in the tunnel as I keep climbing up towards it and if there is someone up there after the struggle is over, that it’s not him…

I need to learn to release this.  Much as he hasn’t the damnest idea how he has affected from the very first moment we met, it’s just something he’ll never ever know anymore.

My faith should rest on the good things to come and not on some unrequited prize who had been unaware of the idealism I’m preserving.  I need to let go.  I’ve been saying this for years, and this time, I hope I mean it…

Like most people, I’m looking for answers.  I have loads of questions that my mind could not even keep up.  Not even my hands as I attempt to type my thoughts or write them down before they vanish forever. 

I’ve been meaning to pray.  I think the way you live your life should be your religion — not based on some ancient doctrine and teachings that may or may not have bearing to the recent world.  I am not disrespecting any beliefs or mode of faith and especially the one I grew up in.  I still consider myself a Catholic.  But for years now, I feel like I’m missing something… somehow there’s been a void that couldn’t be filled anywhere else.  And it’s hard to divulge this "opinion" in fear of offending or targeting any traditions out there. 

With The Secret mania going on, as I am admittedly a somewhat follower (I classify myself as somewhat because I still have loads of trouble with the execution or application of these ancient theories), I feel lost in the flow.  Maybe I do need a prayer to give me peace and contentment, so that even if I ask for any of my desires, I won’t feel let down or hopeless because of what was destined.  I still believe a higher being is the Master and we are but souls out here to learn in the Earth school — if that makes sense to anybody.

I recently talked to a newfound friend, and she’s been such a devout of prayer.  So I asked her advice on the best prayer for something (or someone) that I’ve wanted for a long time.  And she told me that maybe the right prayer wasn’t the one I’ve been thinking or wanting all along, but rather I need to pray for more strength or will of heart to get to the next step.

And it was logical, it was concise and perhaps, could be the best prayer that maybe even God will consider.  Don’t get me wrong.  I feel so blessed in my life, and just recently, have relearned to appreciate what I have and could have.  I feel fortunate for my struggles, those I’ve shared and purged and those personal that I deal with everyday, because for some reason, it keeps me fighting and getting up from the blow. 

Maybe I’ll start the prayer today.  For more strength and will of heart.  Even if I may feel just a little humbled that God could have been helping those who are more in need than I am, maybe this time, he could reserve a little window of a minute for me as I ask this of Him. 

June’s a big month for me.  Lots going on, personal and professional.  I finished my novel last June 3rd, after a year and 8 days.  It’s the second longest novel I’d ever written.  I find myself a bit detached to it now.  Perhaps because it’s drained me so much but when I do get to reread it, I smile and get all giddy.  It started as a homage to how I feel, centered to the most sublime experience of my life… and probably would remain that way.

June 4th.  While waiting for the afternoon ZODIAC showtime, a couple of friends of mine convinced me into calling him again.  I figured it was a Monday, and it was 10am over there, he was probably at work.  I didn’t support it at all, but I let them use my phone and a part of me did want to know how he was… So using a very baseless alibi to get to talk to him, 3 lousy attempts made it through his mother and then… he answered.

I just jumped to my feet at the adrenalin and bolted out the door.  I realize I couldn’t handle the reality of him when I’ve been living with the memories and the "idea" of this person for more than 6 years now.  How he remained special and untarnished to me must be beyond him.  It’s even beyond me.  I think a psychiatric evaluation is in order…

Alas, as I had predicted, he’d hung up at the discovery that it was a prank call.

Did I regret it?  For the most part, yes.  I’d always believed in the perfect order of things and it’s not something I should have manipulated.  If he is to come back to my life, he’s very welcome.  If he doesn’t, it only means I could live without him… and I have for the last six years. 

A small part of me wants to thank him, for being the person to jumpstart the change, but a bigger part is still very hopeful.  It’s precisely why I should leave him alone.

I was at the grocery store the other day, and I found myself missing him.  For a fleeting second, I felt that sharp ache of wondering what he was doing that very moment.  Maybe you do miss someone you haven’t had any contact with for several years, but mostly you miss someone because they mean something to you.  Hopefully you mean something to them too.

I feel a little jealous of people who’ve seen his country.  For someone who’s never even been there, I feel such an affinity.  Maybe it’s because that person has made it so beautiful to me that one of my desires is to see that country in this lifetime, whether or not I run into him. 

Maybe I’m just melancholic now, because it’s in the middle of the night and next week would pretty much determine what the next two years would hold for me.  I come back to six years ago for some semblance of innocence and purity, when I looked into that person’s green eyes and just felt beautiful because I was myself.  But I have to learn how to leave that behind.  That memory couldn’t be the only thing that would sustain me.

My mantra nowadays is to start growing up and go to the direction I need to go.  I need to surround myself with people who strive to be better.  I need to stop counting and comparing and setting expectations to people whom I know have less to give.  I need to stop feeling guilty for always having more.  I need to help people based on what I could do for them, not because they’re helpless themselves.  I need to consciously check my intentions.  I need to concentrate, more importantly, on loving me because no other person could do that… not the way I would have liked them to. 

I hope in the next two years, where ever life takes me, I’ll be able to turn back, give myself a pat on the back and say, "not bad, kiddo.  Not bad at all."

This year is slowly coming to a close.  I think it has something to do with becoming a year older too.  I’ve been struggling with making drastic life decisions for the past month and a half, and somehow I’ve never felt more right about something.  It’s actually emancipating just to listen to yourself and have to carry everyone else’s expectations in stride with grace.

I know I have some growing up to do.  I’ve often felt envious of my peers setting out in the world themselves and try to live vicariously through them, subtly feeding encouragement and knowing that some part of me is satisfied just witnessing their lives unfold even if mine remains stagnant.  I’m done blaming circumstance and lack of opportunity.  Opportunities are always there.  Maximizing and claiming them to be yours for the taking is another matter.

I thought my sadness was caused by external factors, disappointment in people, discontent in my situation.  All along there was this void that I still needed to fill.  I’ve always had my distant dreams, always believing that someday I’ll be able to fulfill them.  But I got too comfortable.  I thought if I didn’t move an inch, fate will still find its way to me.  But that’s wrong.  I needed to help fate.  It’s still a two-way process, as is with every relationship — tangible or not. 

A week ago, I found out that my first dream guy had a six-year old son.  I haven’t seen or talked to this guy for nearly that time.  He was someone I had put on top of a golden pedestal.  I really thought he was perfect.  Right now, I think he is close to perfect.  Years ago, we had communicated and known a little about each other.  But I was so young then, and so infatuated with this person that everything about him was exaggerated in my own perception.  I realize now that it was not his fault that I had viewed him that way.  The moment I discovered this new truth about him, it was difficult to reconcile with the image I had of him when he was only twenty-two.  After a few hours, though amidst numbing shock, I realize that it was one of his dreams, to have a child… seven, even.  And suddenly, inexplicable joy poured out of me.  I really did believe it was serendipity that after six years of not finding out anything about him that I learned about this now.

He was still teaching me something, even though it was indirect or unintentional.

I look at it that even if someone is not in my present reality, it doesn’t mean that the world stopped revolving for them.  Life does go on, and life does happen.  Any preserved memory remains with the people you’ve touched, but things and people change… but it’s a joyous thing if it’s for the better.

Whenever I look at his present picture now, with his son… I’m thinking… "I need to make my dreams come true too.  He did.  Why can’t I?"

I’ve always thought the goals I’m trying to reach were pretty reasonable.  But I’ve always thought I deserved them.  I’m learning that I am also responsible–and not just fate–to make them happen.

Another happy chapter of my life is very near its conclusion.  And it was a conscious choice.  Much as I’ll miss having that everyday, I need to look forward and find myself, find what I need to do.  A part of me remains the little girl petrified to get one foot out the door, another part is someone determined to explore the possibilities of the big world that I had been exposed to since I was very young.  I have the opportunities, a lot of them.  I just need to take one and see where it’ll take me.

I should find it delicious to savor such privilege.  And believe me, I am still learning.  I need to do this while a better part of me is optimistic and courageous, if not totally eccentric.

And… thank you, TJ.

I just spent last night with a bunch of good friends from eTel.  It’s enriching to know that we’ve been bound by one team four years ago and still haven’t lost touch, even if most of us have moved on professionally.  It was that team named Twixie Nova (from two kinds of junk food Maris fancied at the time).  We’re all growing up and I’m really glad they’re still a part of my life.

We have different preferences now, different experiences but I’ve somehow remained the innocent. *LOL*  and mind you, I’m far from being the youngest among them.  I laughed at their stories, their misadventures (from which, I can tell, they’ve had the most serious fun) but thinking about it, in the long run, they’ve made some decisions that have turned out for the better.  In essence, they’re still the people with good hearts that I’ve known and loved.  Which made me contemplate on my own pacing, in a tortoise speed it seemed.  Perhaps I’m too cautious most of the time.  Or my parents have raised me too well.  ^_^

Yesterday also marked five years since that Europe trip.  I always get a little bit moody, a little bit more sentimental than usual this time of year.  Some people have asked me what had happened to the guy.  I only shrug and smile.  What I can affirm is that it happened, nothing in my history can change that. Since then, I have had a longing to be a better person, reach that height of the level of individuality that I aspire to be, cherishing only what was significant and knowing what I wanted, being able to get over any mistakes, learn from them and accepting that they are evident and could not be stopped but something that would come to pass.  At the same time, I want to see people from my past, who have become so important to me, who have evolved from when I met them.  I reckon my heart would burst with happiness, if I would be blessed enough to encounter them again.

Subconsciously, I have a deep worry that I may be comparing that experience from my everyday reality.  As the months stretch on, I feel a little braver because I’m becoming content, just a little short of happy.  I know I’ll be okay, however my life turns out, even if the desires of my heart don’t materialize.  I’m equipped to adjust.  And about my pacing?  As Lalay may put it, Kebs! I’m fine as hell. 

just got back from a vacation and i guess it was something i needed.  it was probably my eighth time in that place, but there’s always something new to offer everytime.

plus another more reason to smile: i’m right where i should be. let’s see what happens after nine months.

and no… i’m not pregnant.

somehow i believe this is my year.  2005 has been all about blessings but i feel like a lot is still in store for me.  this week, however, has been such an emotional rollercoaster that i fear what are the surprises just around the corner.  i entered my workplace last monday, with no intentions of changing my routine, until a phone call 30 minutes later sent me into an incontrollable spiral.

i’ve been crying everyday, and i don’t remember ever feeling so tired.  it’s like my denial for a change is staring me right at the face, that i feel weakened enough to see the people i care so much for struggling and working so hard yet receiving no recognition or credit.  i don’t know how long things will change for the better, or if they should get what they deserve, how we had all succumbed into the bureaucracy of the business and somehow lost the passion that dfs carried the torch from the beginning. 

two more people decided to try the same opportunity.  much to my heartbreak, they opted to forego it.  the reasons they hold may be touching and heroic, but it’s still sad… they’d find so much satisfaction there professionally and yet they chose to stay.  i kept thinking it was the right thing to do, for them to decide on their own, without anyone influencing their choices, personal or professional.  and if their hearts led them to stay, then they should.

yesterday was the manifestation of all the pent up anxiety.  up until now, i don’t know where i’ll be next week.  i know i’ll be okay if it doesn’t happen.  it only means i’m not done with dfs just yet, and that i wasn’t what they needed.  it doesn’t hurt to be with my friends just a little bit longer.  but a part of me, that strong desire to try something else, can’t ignore or let go of the opportunity.  the main trigger of my consideration is just because someone who had more than once believed in me was giving me the honor of working with him again, and at this point, that means everything to me.

i’ve refrained from telling people because i don’t want to cause unneccessary pain or worry.  a  lot of people have left, it’s enough to bruise the morale of those who remain.  but the dependency we’ve instilled in each other is fast becoming unhealthy, much as it hurts to admit it.  sooner or later, we know we’ll go our separate ways.  that’s how the call center business goes, right?  but just as i told another friend, who has chosen another path, does that necessarily have to be the case?

but then a couple of people did learn without my doing, and i didn’t feel like the proudest person in the world.  how could i be advising them to keep fighting and uphold their dignity when i myself was thinking of abandoning ship?  i was such a hypocrite.

and for that acount, i am guilty of being selfish…

they said they understood and that makes the decision all the more harder.  these people have been nothing but supportive and giving.  i don’t think i could work for another group of people who have inspired me so much in the past fifteen months.  but the whole picture has been penetrated by new faces and unfamiliar entities that fewer and fewer people greet you in the hallways with sincerity at best.  what happens if i did stay until december?  will i be the only one left?  can i honestly take that? 

maybe i’ve always been lucky, because i’m young, i have a lot to offer and i’m free.  my friends have encouraged me to go for it.  and 80% of me does want to try…

i just keep telling myself, if i did leave and these people who have become so dear to me remain as my friends, then i’m one of the luckiest people alive…

to my brilliant friend, alpha paper. 

thoughts attack my mind by the million.  maybe that’s why i’m so quiet.  i guess i always get like this around this time of year, because in a few weeks, i’m literally turning into a quarter of a century.  my silver anniversary, imagine that. 

everyday is still a struggle, especially with my relationships.  I get mad sometimes.  I get mad at people and I get mad at myself for not allowing to express who I really am for fear of people not accepting or understanding it, which is really the main reason for my disconnection.  I feel sad because I had this breakthrough conversation with my best friend the other night.  Nowadays, Joan’s really becoming more than a friend to me… she’s already my psychotherapist.  She’s beginning to feel that even if I cater to the needs of the people around me, she could tell that I’m not happy.  Geez… all these years I thought I was doing a pretty darn good job hiding it…

I really don’t mean for people to feel responsible for my needs.  It’s taken so many years to develop another stronger side of myself, that I feel confident to show people.  My logical, mature, self-sufficient side.  But it’s getting very hard.  My mantra has become to put this person who was a simpleton with a significant lack of depth forward, to cover up a uniquely multi-faceted character.  I’m still discovering just how profound my thoughts and emotions could be.  I notice that people walk away from me with a perplexed impression, not really sure whether they found me pleasant or not.  I’m not really a very easy person to like… not because I’m bad, mean or with terrible manners… I’m just complicated.

it hurts to continue playing the part of someone who was vacant and hollow, especially now that i’m realizing i’m becoming that because i can pretend so well.  much as that seems to be the more fool-proof way for me to connect with the people around me, in my isolation, i could feel it continually taking its toll, just because of that predisposed belief that no one will have the patience and the time and the interest to dig deeper and truly see.